Wandering Mind

I thought if I stayed, if I waited, you'd probably change your mind. I got tired, I can no longer pretend to be okay seeing you with someone else. I got tired of giving you the benefit of doubts. The longer I stayed, the more it hurt and the more it hit me that you were never going to change your mind. So I said it, and you remained silent. In your silence I found answers. From the bottom of my heart I hope you got the job you so worked hard for. I hope you achieve the goals that you've set for yourself. I am proud of you. I'm sorry that I couldn't be the friend you needed because I am selfish for wanting more. We would've been great friends but once we took the step to becoming a couple, I can't bring myself to take a step back. I tried, I really tried. I'm sorry.

So this MCO led me to revisit my old blog which (sadly) only had one post from eight years ago. Reading that post made me think of where did my very ' passionate ' and determined self go. If I could visit my past self, I would give her a hug because if it wasn't for her I wouldn't have made it this far. Well, not that far but I got into med school and currently in third year now. There's still a very long way to go and the road will surely be as rough (if not rougher) than what this past eight years have been. The challenge last time was to not listen to what other people had to say about my ambition but now, the biggest challenge is to not listen to the part of myself that is full of self-doubt. Just by reading my last post, I was so sure and certain of where I would end up but now I wouldn't have the same confidence and my sentence would end with "maybe" or "we'll see". One thing that I have now, that I didn't have back then is...

I have always wanted to be a doctor since I was a kid. All I knew back then was that doctors help people get well and I did want to help people because it was what I learnt "a good thing" to do. Since primary school, there's always the day when my teacher would ask me what my ambition is. She would ask for my top 3 choices and without fail, i'd always make 'Doctor' my first choice. It was hard for me to choose the other 2 because I really wanted to be a doctor, so i'd just come up with random ambitions like teacher or engineer. But as I entered high school, I got to know that there are many types of doctors out there. As I began searching on the internet, I found that I wanted to be a surgeon, but in what field, i'm not sure yet. (i'll figure it out soon) I am really sure of what I want to be but there were times and probably will be more times where my friends would question my career choice. They'd ask me questions like this: a) You know, ...